"Mutual Submission" - Submission in love: Agape & Eros

In "Egalitarian" thought Ephesians 5:21 is commonly appealed to as a "proof text" in dispute of "Complementarian" thought.

The Egalitarian argument runs along the lines of: "Eph 5:21 tells christians to 'and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.' But this is the same word used when it tells wives to "be subject" to their husbands. Since "be subject to one another" means that the husband is also "subject" to the wife, Paul's later instruction specifically to the wives cannot indicate any sort of hierarchy in the marital relationship." However, as discussed previously, the instruction here given is the same as that given to servants toward their masters and citizens toward the ruling authorities - it is quite clear that this instruction does imply submission to authority.

So how are we to understand it? Did the apostle just contradict himself? If we believe these words to be True then we must answer no, for anything which contradicts itself CANNOT be true - this is a basic axiom of logic.

To answer this, we shall start by looking at a parallel imperative given in Phillipians 2:3 - "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" The word here used for "regard" is worth examining. The word is "&eta&gamma&epsilon&omicron&mu&alpha&iota" and it means to: lead, rule, go before, have authority over, deem, assess, judge. It is a word used of governors and princes (indeed as a noun this word refers specifically to a governing authority). So here it tells us that the authority we each have (over ourselves) is to be concerned with the wellbeing of another before ourselves. - It does not say "each one is more important than the other, that would indeed be contradictory. What it says is that we are to take consideration of the good of the other person as of first importance. Before regard for ourselves, and what is that? Selfless love, &alpha&gamma&alpha&pi&alpha&omega - "agape." This should not be strange to us, this concept is stamped on every page of the New Testament and indeed the Scriptures. Ultimate love is self-sacrificing, it takes heed of the good of the other before one's own preference and seeks the highest good of all. So in this light the command to "submit to one another" makes perfect sense.

But now we move on to the instruction which Paul gives to wives and husbands and note that the apostle makes a distinction in the command given. Specifically Paul tells the wife to "be subject to the husband" but does not tell the husband to "be subject to the wife." Since the first passage was made clear by observing that the governing principle in christian relationship is "agape" love we shall seek the same sort of understanding of the marital relationship. And as we do so it becomes apparent that there is another sort of love operative here - "eros" (&epsilon&rho&omega&sigma). The presence of this type of love is distinctive of the marriage relationship versus other christian relationships. And if we recognize that this sort of love is between two inequivalent people then the hierarchical nature of the marital relationship instructed by Paul becomes evident.
"Agape" is between two christians, and as christians these people are in that sense 'equivalent.' However, even when two people are christians, this is often not the only relationship which exists between them; they may also be parent/child (Col 3:20-21), master/slave (Col 3:22-4:1), etc. or as in this case husband/wife. And in each case the apostle acknowledges that these relationships are not symmetric. And we see that in the marital relationship - when there is "Eros" that this leads to the specific instruction of the wife to submit to the husband AND the husband to take responsibility over this to exercise a sacrificial love to care for his wife.

So we see that the apostle's instruction in Ephesians 5:21 is not at odds with his particular instruction of the wife to submit to the husband (e.g. Eph 5:22).

While this certainly refutes the standard objection posed by Egalitarian thought based on this passage, let us not lose sight of the positive understanding which we should take away from this. The operation of eros within the marital relationship leads to an natural and God-made asymmetry of the relationship; but, the love of Christ - agape - is of FIRST IMPORTANCE. When you are married you are FIRST a christian, then a spouse. Just as in any other aspect of life; Christ is to be central and our other actions a corollary of this most fundamental truth. It is an issue of first and second things. Submission is enjoined within marriage, true; but if this interferes with christian interaction then you have done it wrong. And you will lose not only the good of the christian interaction but will destroy the good of submission in the the marital interaction. And when this plays out is it any wonder that so many people question the apostle's instructions.

(*note: This is not meant to be a discussion on the full meaning of Ephesians 5 and Paul's instructions on 'gender roles' per se: those who wish to know more of my thoughts on the matter are welcomed to peruse other things I have written on the matter here. This is meant solely as an answer to a single common question encountered when discussing the idea of "submission" found in the Bible.)